I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
We shot off some fireworks at 12 and then I orchestrated the group singing of god bless the USA all while wearing a don't tread on me flag as a cape. I repped hard.
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
At least you didn't sleep with Ashley's uncle.
I just took a plan B pill with my preworkout. That's the level I'm on today.
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
thanks for the bj man. also make sure you close the gate behind you. the chickens are out.
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