she went to type in rate my professors and rate my pussy came up in my recent searches. needless to say, i will likely be masturbating to the aforementioned site tonight.
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
How bad is it if you swallow a really small piece of glass? Be optimistic if possible I'm anxious about it.
What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
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