I'm pants shitting drunk right now
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
he kept whispering yes yes yes yes the entire 15 minutes. i almost wish it was a quickie.
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
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In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
It really does creep me out though that the next ten years will involve my friends creating smaller versions of themselves because to be honest I don't know how much I like some of them. So that thought it really scary
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
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You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
ugh, my whole family is going ape shit over my sister's pregnancy blog. I dont get it? Anyone can get knocked up! I had rebound sex with a new york ranger last night, now that is something to fucking blog about.
Decisions were made. The quality of them will be judged tomorrow
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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