the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
i must of done something right to please the booty call gods. . . maybe fucking that fat chick?
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
A guy was over-the-skirt fingering me on the dance floor and I stopped him to sensually rap in his ear. So that was my Halloweekend
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
Randomize
