Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
So Delta doesn't take cash. I used my card to buy a drink and asked the attendant if she could leave it open.
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
I forget the details, but I'm told that I drunkenly stalked him around floor yelling obscure Jewish laws at him
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
I'm not gonna lie; I was dosed with mushrooms and am eating pickles with a guy in all white. It's weird, but I'm down. Help.
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
Just watched a girl lose her dignity at the corner...it's not even midnight
So, anyways, aside from wanting to seduce my roommate for booze, how's everything been
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