you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
I queefed so loud it echoed.
what is the most politically correct way to ask if he still hangs out with the guy that has blue hair and make meth in his car?
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
i mean, what better way to remind him of his failures in life than to fuck his roommate/fraternity brother?
His penis has been a bonding mechanism beyond comparison.
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
I got "plug" during family Catch Phrase and struggled to not make a reference to butt plug so I skipped it
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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