made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
Randomize
