I think I just saw the travelocity gnome in leather chaps.
Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
You know you're hung over when your pose in art class is lying face down on the platform
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
We got a 5L jug of wine for 3 Euro. Italy was a good choice.
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
You cant use biscuit as a chaser
just move with us, we wanted to get a dog. youre kind of the same thing..
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
Randomize
