even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
it wasn't sex, it was awkward naked time.
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
all i remember was you yelling "look at my little feet" at everyone on the way home from the bar.
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
I woke up and found that i was using my computer as a pillow. i had 53 pages of random letters on Microsoft word
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
Randomize
