its mom's weekend..did we need to couger proof the apt?
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
I’ve lost count of how many disciplines of science this conversation about Harry Potter has gone through.
i cant hook up i'm covered in egg rolls
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
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