nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
On campus. Grown men in women's sexy bee costumes. Complete with legwarmers. This cannot be real life.
Maybe it's the vicodin, but all I wanna do is hunt wild hogs.
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
I've already dropped her on the ground of a crowded bar dancing , been incoherent drunk to the point i couldn't speak and came within 2 seconds all on separate evenings so at this point she should know what I'm about
I have to date her we need a place to stay for tailgating
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
I just sucked dick on a ferry
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
Randomize
