theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
what made you think it was a good idea to trust the girl that hides tequila in her backpack?
no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
I sat down next to him and my bra just unhooked itself
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
THEY DIDN'T THROW MY PORN AWAY!!!!
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize
