He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
Ps I don't think it counts as being open minded if you didn't know he was missing a leg until you had already started making out.
She had a baby and now works at Hooters. She is the poster child for peaking in high school.
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
So how often do you needs to see my tits today then?
Randomize
