when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
the only girl from my high schools graduating class coming to our school next year went stag to prom and still has braces...
dibs.
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.
i am devastated. she was DTF and I was about to puke, i told her to wait outside my room for a second. Puked. Passed out woke up, she was gone. Found puke stains on my keyboard that seem to spell out youporn....
Just made gatorade. in the bathtub.
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
I think shooting the BMW with the bow and arrow is when our group became the evening's antagonist
Can we just discuss how hundreds of miles away we were both beyond drunk and in some boys bed. That is the definition of friendship.
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
How many times is too many times to use the word 'fuck' in my thesis?
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
I didn't know that all of his brothers would be hot and musical too. That's a dick move on behalf of biology.
Randomize
