The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
I would go down on you faster than GM stock
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
There is a really great story behind the missing Coco Puffs and vodka mystery
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
Thanks for launching me off you reverse cowgirl. I think I chipped a tooth.
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
YOU UNCULTURED BADGER
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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