i wish i could watch tv and lissten to music at the same time...but still understand both
i think otters can do that
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
Hardcore start to spring break. Mike is wearing adult diapers because the only stop we are making is for gas.
If I had a dick as big as yours. The world would be an oyster. An oyster smaller than my big penis
Me too. We could do it like prostitutes. No kissing on the mouth.
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
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