Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
He came in asked for the bathroom and came out 10 minutes later dripping wet took his redbull and left.
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
This morning my mouth tasted like fruit trees, battery acid, and magnums. Transferring schools was the best decision Ive ever made.
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
You were drunk it couldn't have been that bad
I've never been drunk enough to enjoy getting a blister on my dick.
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
if i get arrested im counting on you to get a picture of it
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
Sunday morning breakfast with the boyfriends family. I just puked in the stall at Cracker Barrell. Classy.
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
Randomize
