just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
Nicole wore just a belt and her pedometer and hopped on top of me last night. She "walked" 822 steps before we finished.
New charity walk idea!
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
i just watched a 27 minute video about owls...that high.
We decorated the tree, drank wine, and he went down on me with Christmas music on in the background. Christmas IS coming.
Got so high i fell asleep kyaking...for 2 hours.
I don't remember anything beyond the drinking game but I woke up in my own pee this morning so I'm just gonna go out on a limb and say I overdid it.
Randomize
