My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
the vast amounts of cleavage i'm sporting to my final says "no, I didn't study but don't worry I've got something lined up for when I don't graduate".
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
it was the kind of sex that I don't even know how my hair extentions are still in
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