Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
My roommates call me "Queen of the Skanks" I guess that means I've had a successful first month of college.
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
I'm really interested in the size of his penis so report back on that one
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
