Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
we were pretty classy up until the second keg
She's helping me study for the final by writing the vocab words all over her body.
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
He once got bit in the face by a dog and still got laid the same night. He owns Memorial Day Weekend
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
I gave him a bj as a thank you for helping. I think that's good.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
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