I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
I don't know how I feel about the stuff we got from that guy. Me and Monty are driving through town listening to static at full blast...
I miss the good ol days when id just come home from school and thered be a costco size box of condoms on my bed.
my parents really loved me back then.
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
Young lesbians are the worst. And also what got me through high school, sooooo
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
He keeps singing a song about someone called the dayman.
....fighter of the Nightman?
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
It's official, I'm not staying in tonight
What caused that decision?
You only live once
Randomize
