it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
did the walk of shame from ex-boyfriend's room only to find other ex-boyfriend sitting in the living room. some people shouldn't be allowed to be friends.
some people shouldn't be allowed to be desperate.
Don't worry I'll hold the wheel while you cum
you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
