he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
theres a boy scout troop on my plane. right now theyre playing wilderness games. let me just tell you how excited i am to hit on all of them
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
Bro, I just googled 36 year old pussy so when I do see it I won't be shocked.
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
So, my love of dick may have landed me in a cult. On the bright side, I now have a discount at Spencer's.
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
Randomize
