You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
After all you put him through, I think it was only right that you saluted the bartender when you left.
Apparently everytime he put me down to bed I escaped out the window, I faintly recall climbing into the canoe in the back yard, and air paddling.
just saw a guy driving a atv down the highway in a tux.... only in Iowa...
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
on one hand I spent like $120 last night..on the other that was the best sex of my life
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
Randomize
