you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
I apologize for forcing you to look at my boob when we were high. It was uncalled for
I'm eating dry tortillas on a mattress without a sheet. and i thought my life would change after graduation.
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
THESE BITCHES NOT IN MY MAJOR BETTER NOT FILL UP MY SLAVIC FAIRYTALES CLASS
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
That song just makes me wanna take off my top and shake my titties all around the club.
Randomize
