hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
three guys just busted into my bio lecture, yelled "happy st. patrick's day!", downed jagerbombs, and left.
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
I will miss his soup and his dick the most
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
Yea you just drank all the Hookah water, then started talking gibberish about the Kool Aid you just drank.
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
We're all just looking at each other quietly, hoping that no one brings up last nights shenanigans.
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
Yeah. Still not happy that my prof saw a picture of my vag.
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Randomize
