why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
Walking in on a gay threesome, with a girl in the corner watching and taking vid is a reason to not only knock, but to never go to Savannah.
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
Didn't know my clit could produce that many orgasms in one night. Fuck my husband; think I might have to become a lesbian.
Randomize
