Do u think she knows her nickname is the oompa loompa
But I don't consider them one night stands. They're auditions.
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
And I had on a penis ring on the whole time at dinner. And I ate veal...
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
Randomize
