worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
The fact that he grabbed my boob in the middle of the conversation shows something needs to change
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I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
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The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
Goddamn it. Hes got me addicted to his penis
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
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