Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
sooo i think when i get back from rothbury i should probably take a pregnancy test
but you would be showing by now. i'd just save the money and wait for a large crap in 6 months that starts crying. then you'll know.
Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
You drink it until you puke in a vent one time and it's ruined forever.
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
You cannot steal the fun of my nakedness. You do not own my nakedness. My nakedness is my sole property and I share that fun with whom I choose.
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
Randomize
