I got everything I ever gave her back, every picture, and money for the dog. I didn't want it she brought it all back and gave it to me. clothes jackets, pictures, dried flowers, ear rings, necklace...
Sell it on ebay and let's go to the bar
i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
I was under the impression that I sent actual words. turns out it was a series of letters and question marks on a side note we still had sex
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
What alcohol should i drink Saturday to completely hate life?
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
Randomize
