The guy asked if i had a problem w/set schedules
I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
Remember, sex is not sex til both people cross the finish line. Until then, it is just a favor.
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
It's called 'beer pong' not 'everclear and coke pong' for a reason...
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
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