I'm still drunk from last night...I walked out for a cigarette with one of the Janitors here and apparently someone took a shit on the stairs...Which makes me wonder...was that me?
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
laying on floor next to bathroom with vent on to give myself comfort and remind me that im not going deaf. what did i smoke?
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
Let's just wait to see what happens before we start making radical plans and starting fires
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
Randomize
