Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
she wouldn't stop crying, so we sang her to sleep. i'm guessing you will find her in the same position by the toilet in the morning. night.
you're by far the better bro. your dick is more impressively sized, anyway
I hate that you know that from experience
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
When everyone ask you tomorrow go ahead and tell them I'm the girl that fell of safe ride and was all bloody.
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
I just wanna be naked and go frolic in the snow
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
Randomize
