New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
So somebody asked her is she's okay.She turned around,started running and screamed "Ballet is running through my veins" before doing a small pirouette.It's amazing how she managed not to fall.
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
I just sneezed and margarita mix and ash came out of my nose. I love jersey
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
Drunk is a universal language darling
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
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