it hurts more in the daytime
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
i just was bootyclappin in front of homeless men in a back alley
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
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