you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
We're using joints as your birthday candles
I rolled joints beforehand. Lit a candle. Ghetto rigged taping the 40's on my hands and then lit the joint using the flame of the candle.
I'm so proud of your modern ingenuity
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
I'm still home, my life isn't together. Currently drying my pants
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
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