Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
I had another sleeping on concrete incident.
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
i have a dinosaur tramp stamp
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
bitch got booty called while we were making out. and then she actually left.
I am in fact going to raffle myself off for a night. If you are interested in buying a ticket let me know. $10 a ticket.
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
Possibly threw up in my purse last night. Still suspicious of of all actions
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
Randomize
