It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
I get a little bitchy. We all know that
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
she grabed my junk and started making lightsaber noises
I wonder if you could get her in a metal bikini
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
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