he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
It's a lost cause. Soon she's gonna get naked, just let nature run its course
I do NOT want to date a man who has no interest in going to a kangaroo farm
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
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