I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
That's the last time I do shots near a campfire.
The amount of knuckle children I've had to the Farrah Abraham sex tape is disturbing and impressive
Sounds good. Look at us. Planning sex like proper adults.
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
Dude your life.. At your sugar daddies house sending nudes to your fwb
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
I want you inside me. Finish your papers.
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
Randomize
