i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
totally worth getting kicked out for trying to throw my drink on lindsay lohans ankle bracelet.
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
It's official. I'm gonna fuck hot art class guy. But this won't be like hot Samsung guy. I'm gonna make sure I follow through this time.
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
Wish me luck on my new penis adventure
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
I don't know, all I remember is waking up at 4 in the morning to him going down on me.
Randomize
