2 am we went back to his house. his mom handed us beers and cooked us pancakes. the next morning his dad had washed my car. i lied. living at home after college definitely does not suck.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
I was more concerned about the amount of mcdonalds fries on the floor around me than i was with my lack of clothes.
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
I didn't get a chance to take any pics but the mental snapshot of her boyfriend calling her directly after we finished was a really special moment I wish I could properly share with you.
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
leave me alone I'm becoming one with nature and doing plant things
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
Wait are we really having an orgy on Tuesday?
She flashed us last time and pissed all over the floor this time. I'm scared to invite her back.
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