do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
apologized to him about 10 times for being drunk. told him about 15 times that he was "really pretty"
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
Nope if you can't be there for me emotionally, then my vagina can't be there for you physically. That's my rule.
I can always see lesbian subplot. It's my hero ability.
As yoda would say; A bitch, she is.
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
some kid lit a j in the bar tonight. i was in awe of both his boldness and the severe beatdown he received moments later
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
Yeah, it was all very half-hearted. In the middle of sex we both just stopped and looked at each other and said, "can we just sleep instead?"
That is so sad.
a homeless man let us know that my friend was asleep in the bushes outside my house on main street. So just a small get together.
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
Randomize
