You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
I dont know if you relize this but ive been high ly medicated in my room for a whil now. GOing out into the real world would make me li ke tom ha nks. im not ready to be tom hanks..
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
Packing a mid day bowl in the Sonic parking lot. Have I gone too stoner?
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
Randomize
