I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
I am not a stalker...i just bring a whole new meaning to the word love
i dont know what it was but it was definately NOT a vagina
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
be ready to rage tomorrow. like naked ranch dressing rage
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
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