You just left with that feminine looking guy you kept calling "Jessica." Just giving the heads up.
I DONT WANT TO PLUS I THINK I FLUSHED MY KEYS DOWN THE TOILET WHILE I WAS PEEING
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
Smoked Hookah in the playhouse last night. Childhood was so fun.
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
Is it possible to hurt your vagina working out, because I think my Dumbass accomplished that... 😯😟😒😓
Do I even want to know?
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
You fist bumped my dick last night saying good game. That you'll be back for the 2nd game...
Answered a bio test question bc of watching phineas and ferb. Remind me to always drink when studying.
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
Was cussing out our DD when one of the strippers takes him backstage. WTF
They call him magic hands is all I know.
Somethings are best left a mystery
Randomize
