Well he asked to have a sober hang out so i guess that constitutes as a date in college
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
If I had a dick as big as yours. The world would be an oyster. An oyster smaller than my big penis
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
Trying to figure out why my back is hurting. And then I remember I got fucked up against a tree last night
The car smells like weed is an understatement.
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
Randomize
