why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
Question: Would it be wrong to just fuck both of them and decide who to date one performance of their cocks?
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
once you started introducing yourself as "running-bear" i knew you were beyond fucked up
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
remember that party we went to sophomore year where we found that girl and had the orgy? Im totally at that house right now.
Randomize
