im gay
i know
yea but for you.
I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
So his roommate walked in on us, went upstairs to tell her bf she has found a new use for the rafters & they must try it.
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
Randomize
