a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
All i remember is people cheering me on to drink faster than the dog, out of the dog's bowl. I just couldn't stop.
I knew it was a good Wednesday night when I woke up tucked in to NOT my own bed with my beer helmet, an empty bottle of Jose, and a trash can placed in front of my face.. Happy 20th!
I've had to much cheese to give a fuck about anything. im tired.
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
Is it wrong i wouldn't sleep with him because his boxers said #1 dad all over them?
After what I experienced at 6am this morning, all I can say is chew your noodles thoroughly.
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
Randomize
