I was getting a bj with sports center on in the background
Da na na, na na naa
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
She's been divorced three times and use to raise cock fighters. Of course I'm interested in her
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
Don't remember shit. It was only until I saw the glaze on my forearm that I knew you drove to get donuts last night. I also spent 20$ there apparently
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
Hey do you think you can sew an adult onsie with easy access if you know what I mean!!?? It must have bunny feet.
Dude she hit me with my own penis and it hurt. I've never been cock slapped but she slapped me with my own cock so it has to be worse.
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
Think he has a gf
Yea that shit doesn’t necessarily stop me
Randomize
