Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
9 am. shotgunning while conditioning my hair. i love college football season.
he took his pants off right in front of me then just stood there so i went for his boxers and he said he was waiting till marriage
All I remember is him trying to go down on me, but I guess I was too busy making out with his brother
Care to explain why there is sushi in the soap dish in the bathroom
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
Found your counterpart from cali. Walked into the bar we were in with milk and a donut, ordered a beer and said anything his group wanted was on his tab....dangerous
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
He ate me out while I was wearing a canada goose parka and a dress hand crafted by a seamstress from yellowknife. I came while watching the northern lights. Most arctic orgasm ever.
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
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