So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
I'm not a pervert.. I just like to be naked...
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
So because I'm off tomorrow that means your dick could be in my mouth majority of that time
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
So changing channels while she's on top is frowned upon. It's back to thinking about baseball again.
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
Randomize
