Anthony wouldn't know good sex if it sat on his face
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
The freshman sure do fuck up the whataburger line at 2am
Remember when I booked a hotel room for next sat? Nneither do I.
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
deryk tried to steal your screen door and i think sam and brent are duct taping lauren to the diving board.
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
It's fine. I wouldn't trust either of them to be my workplace drug buddy.
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
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