i am NOT doing that with my feet, or any part of my body
The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
I just found a weed leaf in my leg hair..
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
I would give a kidney to fuck him and he knows it. That bastard.
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
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