Sometimes I find that I've been touching my boob(s) without even realizing it.
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
high in an attic. pig roast in 10.
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
The way I see it, everyone on campus has a fake, but I'm the only person who actually makes beer in their dorm.
currently waiting for her to check in on Facebook, the second she does I'm there. someone is getting laid tonight
I'm not stalking, she is pretty much begging me to come find her if she checks in
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
Randomize
