I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
that's the second time I've left that bar and slept with the person that's driven my car. thank god I don't take cabs..
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
ABOUT TO MAKE THE BIGGEST MISTAKE OF MY LIFE, SEND HELP
Have fun and good luck.
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
Randomize
