Ehh boy. FML. she was unattractively large.
I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
ice luge is my downfall...
...u mean upfall.
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
Btw, apparently no one knows who ordered the pizzas for the after party, no one paid, and the delivery lady made a celeb shot, took a beer, then said she'd be back later to finish up the game...
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
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